Mill Valley and Sausalito
In January 1982, after my first dental treatment (at the age of 48), on our first wedding anniversary, Wendy and I drove up to Mill Valley. We were pretty late in arriving, probably around 3:00 PM. UG said he hadn't eaten his lunch yet. It looked like he was waiting for us. I apologized. Wendy and I were shown our room. She was given her first sewing chore (UG used to call it “sweatshop”) of mending some pants for Valentine. Valentine talked to me on the balcony for a minute. She said UG liked being with me. Then we all stood on the balcony overlooking the canyon.
On the second day, I made cauliflower pakodis for everyone. Terry kept the place immaculately clean, the glass table in the living room and all. I sat there in the morning and UG was sitting across the table. I remarked that I sometimes felt as if there was no separation between him and me, as if we were one continuous person. He replied that he felt that way all the time.
The next morning, there was a large group of people, probably around twenty, who gathered in the living room. Douglas Rosestone was there with his wife. Also present were Bob Carr with his video camera and his friend Paul Arms. Before or after this meeting, there was a bit of exchange between UG and me. I was telling him how Douglas had called me in Seaside from a local hotel when he was visiting the area, how he tried to hook me into inviting him for dinner and how I couldn't be conned into it. UG remarked in reply, “Conned?” His remark felt like a lashing to me.
At the meeting, I was sitting by the fireplace and UG came and sat next to me. I learned then and later that that was how he felt people's bodies. I remarked during the discussion how a master desire runs all our thoughts and other desires. He seemed to agree with me although he wouldn't comment. I think it was also during that visit that I was telling UG how he was shooting everyone down, and he replied that yes, he was shooting at us all the time, but “you duck!”
When Wendy and I were visiting him in Sausalito, one afternoon we all went for a ride. Valentine, Wendy and whoever went into the fields for a walk and I stayed in the car with UG because he didn't want to go. I asked him why he visited people everywhere and especially me. His answer was, “I always did that in my life.” It was not much of an answer to my mind. Sometime later, I asked him at my home why he kept visiting me. His reply was, “because you fit in.” A few minutes later, he said he was “sinking,” meaning that his senses would become numb and he was ready to pass out. I understood that after his “calamity” he would literally “die” every day for about forty-five minutes, that is, his body would become cold, his breathing and heartbeat would stop, and then suddenly for no apparent reason he would come back alive.
At one point I was talking to Chalam and Sowris, describing how I had parted ways respectfully with Sowris, telling her that I couldn't believe that God was incarnate in her and speaking through her. Then I told UG that I couldn't believe in anything religious or otherwise. He was emphatic in agreeing with me, saying that no belief was necessary. Of course, Sowris had replied to my remark by asking me to keep an open mind, although I always find myself at a crossroad. In that same conversation, UG pooh-poohed Sowris and her so-called amorous delusions concerning him, and recalled how his grandmother used to refer to Chalam in a rhyming fashion as “Chalam gari malam” (the filth of Chalam).
After the walk, either because I volunteered to drive or UG asked me to, I drove UG and others in my Plymouth Horizon back to his place. I was extremely nervous and slow but I made it okay. And UG was, of course, encouraging. It must have been on this visit that the following conversation took place: I said to UG, “Your talk is like sweet poison, no wonder people are attracted to it.” I said “poison” because people would turn whatever UG was saying into some kind of teaching, drawing a direction (or as UG said, a “directive”) from it, and try to apply it to themselves. UG asked, “Why sweet?” I answered, “Sweet, because what you say represents the end of a search.”
His next visit to Seaside happened sometime later. UG called me from Mill Valley or Sausalito and said he wanted to see me because he needed my “spiritual advice” on something. Of course, that was just a joking way for him to announce his visit. When he arrived, he recounted to me some of the questions people showered on him wherever he went, such as, “Why do you go to all these places? Why do you talk to people?” I told him that he didn't owe an explanation to anyone on these matters, that he could do just as he pleased and that if people didn't like to come and listen to him that was their problem. He repeated my answer to people everywhere (he himself told me later), quoting me, of course.
Months later, I received a copy of the newly printed book, The Mystique of Enlightenment, mailed from Mountain View. Obviously, UG had it sent to me. When he visited after I received the book, he asked me if I had read it and what I thought. I said I did read the book and that I thought he had made some issues very clear. He seemed satisfied with my reply. It might be the same visit that I mentioned how great I felt around him and was going to say more in that vein. He replied, “Let's not talk about it. Let's eat some upma together and forget about it.”
I used to invite people whenever UG visited and have a discussion gathering. I would prepare upma and raita or something else and offer lunch to everyone. Bob Carr invited friends who were videographers. A lot of people attended: Jean-Michel Terdjman, Vito and Shalom Victor, Mr. Said, Sunim, Shivashankaran, Linda, Roberto Lupetti, the Italian painter, my colleague Robert O'Brien and Mr. Chu, and others.
It could be frustrating to argue or debate about anything with UG. How could it be otherwise when he wouldn't respect any rules of logic like non-contradiction and couldn't really explain how he came to know some things? That was probably why I never really argued with him. UG always said it is not possible to figure him out or make sense of his words (maybe because he constantly shifted from one position or statement to another), and that you can't get a directive out of it.
In the early visits, particularly when I saw him in Mill Valley, I noticed some physical changes in myself. At least the first night of the visit, my body would be so wired up and tense that I would have a hard time falling asleep for hours. It was getting activated for some reason. There was this agitation from the bottom of my belly, as if some energy was being stirred up. Observing other people experiencing similar changes, it became clear to me that my body was responding to UG's presence.
A third visit to UG occurred when Valentine was still traveling with him. I drove all the way to Sausalito in my Horizon. UG gave me a small bedroom in the basement. To my surprise, he was feeding a cat with food from a can. When the cat tried to jump onto his lap he would gently push it away. He was still a Brahmin in that and in many other respects. He sat with me in the living room for lengths of time listening to tapes of Indian music I had brought to play. I didn't know then that he was listening just to keep me company. I even watched a Telugu movie with him. As I was leaving, he asked me to return it to the video store in Berkeley. I asked him if he would like me to rent another movie for him and he told me no, he had only rented it for me.
After a few visits, UG was complaining about his loose teeth, about having to place Valentine somewhere, as she was getting too old to travel with him, and so on. Not much later, on one of his trips to India he did take her to Bangalore and leave her there with the family of Chandrasekhar. This was slightly before I went to visit him in Bangalore in 1986, after I had spent six days with him in Gstaad, Switzerland with my daughter, Shyamala.
UG later moved to the “Crow's Nest,” Terry Newland's place in Mill Valley. In this arrangement, Terry would move out to sleep in Dr. Paul Lynn's house or his own trailer which he parked elsewhere, while UG stayed in his studio apartment located on the main street in Mill Valley. Of course, UG paid Terry's rent while he stayed there. On at least one of my visits, I slept in the back attic room of that apartment when I stayed there. UG slept in a closet-like room there. Once in the afternoon, when I had returned from my walk and was sleeping there, I had gone into the living room and asked someone there jokingly whether the master was sleeping. UG must have heard this and later quoted me as referring to him as my master. I didn't bother to correct it. Well, after all, he could be the master (or my master), although I never quite thought of him in those terms.
The next morning or so, very early (around 5 o'clock) I woke up and was standing in the doorway talking to UG. I told him, “UG, because of seeing you, anything can go in my life, including myself.” I guess it was a declaration of faith. He answered, “If you go, sir, I go.” I am not sure what that meant. You never dared to ask UG for clarification (not that sometimes he wouldn't give one). You just didn't have the guts. Perhaps it meant he would go out of my system along with myself. Maybe that same morning, I remember sitting with him in the living room and reading aloud the entire book No Way by Ram Tzu. We both relished it. Several incidents happened during my visits to the Crow's Nest. I will recount them here as I remember.
Terry Newland always had to have a cause – if it wasn't Henry George, it was UG. I always used to say that Terry was the champion of lost causes. Terry would also chastise people for their insincerity or half-heartedness or for the games they play. He never really got along with anyone. He worked for brief periods at Bob and Paul's restaurant (Marvin Gardens in Larkspur), but they had their differences. His health was terrible. For instance, due to a urinary condition, he had to relieve himself so often that it was hard for him to hold a job. He applied for federal disability and wanted me to write a letter supporting his case which I did. He had a very nice girlfriend who really cared for him but he would put too many demands on his girlfriends or become too critical of them. Eventually he'd spurn them, driving them off. But Terry really cared for people. Once as we were standing outside of the Crow's Nest on the far side of the road, a couple of kids were crossing the street when a car was coming by. He was all shook up and yelled at the kids not to cross while the car was coming.
One night when I stayed in Mill Valley I slept at Paul Lynn's house in the basement. I think it was on that occasion that Terry gave me part of the manuscript of The Sage and the Housewife by Shanta Kelker and asked me to read it and make corrections. I read it and returned it to him with my comments. I told UG that Terry and I both thought that the manuscript was quite interesting and that Shanta should be encouraged to write more. UG, of course, did just that. Later, the question came up as to who should edit it, because it would be redundant for both Terry and me to do it. Either he or I, but not both of us should do it, I said. That was how it came about that the manuscript was sent to me in stages in small notebooks for editing. I did the editing in Seaside, and the book was eventually published by Frank Naronha. My article, “Pulling Yourself Up by Your Bootstraps” was added at the end of the book in its second edition.
UG was impressed by my editing skills, telling people that I was the best editor he had ever known. He also had Terry send me the manuscript of Mind is a Myth (the title was given later by UG after much thought; I remember discussing it with him in a bookstore in Berkeley), and ask me to edit it. It was well written, so I didn't have to do much editing (Terry did such a good job himself), but I made the glossary more systematic.
About that time, Chandrasekhar and his wife Suguna were visiting from India. They and I were put up in Terry's girlfriend's apartment. I remember food being brought from a restaurant. The next morning, I drove Chandrasekhar and Suguna to Monterey where they spent a couple of days at my place. Suguna promptly had a migraine and hardly ate anything. We went to K-Mart where she shopped for dresses for her daughters. It was at that time that Chandrasekhar wanted me to edit a transcribed conversation between UG and some scientists, a piece in which UG said something to the effect that just as cells have to cooperate with other cells for self-preservation, human beings have to do the same. Chandrasekhar and UG both liked my editing.
On one of those visits to the Crow's Nest, I took UG, Krim and Terry (and perhaps also Douglas) on a ride into the mountains next to Mill Valley in my temperamental Horizon, which promptly stalled. I told everyone that the car wouldn't start again for a half an hour. UG said, “You guys go for a walk, I will rest here.” We all went for a little walk and UG pushed the seat back and lay down there and fell asleep! He was absolutely worriless in spite of the fact we were stuck.
I think it was on the same visit that Sajid Hussein (later Sajid Martin) was going to visit UG in Mill Valley. UG had asked him when they spoke on the phone earlier to come around 1:00 PM. We arrived there after the drive a little after 1:00 PM, Sajid had left a note saying he was there and was about to leave. UG said, “I told you I would be back at 1:00 PM! So precise.
On one of the visits, Sajid and Jean-Michel also came with me to visit UG in Mill Valley. We all drove together. UG wanted me to sleep at his place while the other two were going to stay at a Howard Johnson's nearby. I told UG that as they came with me, I couldn't as well take the privileged position and let them go to a hotel. Jean-Michel and I shared a room.
On one of those early visits, we all went to Pasand's, an Indian restaurant in San Rafael for lunch. As we were about to cross the road to get to the restaurant, I noticed that UG, as usual, threw up into a garbage bin. I also saw how parts of his face were trembling from energy outbursts. I paid for the food with my credit card but being so nervous forgot the card in the restaurant. After we got back to the Crow's Nest I remembered it and called the restaurant. Luckily the card was still there. Then some pictures that had been taken by someone were shown. UG gave me one of me, which was pretty ugly. I was reluctant to take it but he insisted. As I got into the car, the thermos I was carrying tilted and much of the coffee in it spilled. I thought this was probably a punishment for my reluctance to accept the ugly picture.
On another visit, one of my friends, K. S. Sastry, a professor of Metallurgy at UC Berkeley, came to visit UG on my persuasion. He talked a little, but neither he nor UG seemed impressed with each other. It might be on the same visit that Jeffrey Mishlove came for an initial conversation with UG as a preliminary to a TV interview with him. I wasn't too impressed with him. But the TV interviews, at least one of them, turned out to be a success. Mishlove was pretty passive in those exchanges (there were three of them). The interviews are still sold commercially. I think one of those is bundled with another of John Searle, the famous philosopher from UC Berkeley, whom I assisted as a TA my final year there.
Terry was also trying to make efforts to “sell” UG to the media. This was a time when UG was announcing that he was interested in getting on the media. “Just so someone somewhere will get the message that there's nothing to get,” he said. Terry was sending copies of Mystique to various people including Larry King.
On one occasion in the Crow's Nest, Terry tried to pick an argument with me in front of UG, attacking my “wishy-washiness” or something (just because I wouldn't say much in front of UG). I tried to defend myself and in the process UG was putting his arm out wanting to stop our argument, and in the counterattack I gently pushed UG's arm away, saying, “Wait, UG.” Of course, UG withdrew his arm.
I remember there were about ten people one night. UG offered to make a quick dinner for them all. In about ten minutes he had produced a delicious potato buds and cheese dish for the ten people! We were all duly impressed.
Terry had a hard time getting along with people. One night, Larry Morris and I went to his place (which he must have rented while UG stayed at the Crow's Nest) to spend the night. Terry recently had returned from an unsuccessful trip to Mexico. He had gone there, with the help of money from UG, to try to find a different way of living. He wasn't doing very well. He had sold his motorcycle to make the trip. He had his usual troubles of meeting girls and making friends. He would alienate people quickly because he was so demanding. He still had trouble making a living and keeping jobs because of his poor health condition. He had intestinal cancer which is what affected his urinary tract. On top of that, he had unsuccessful surgery to correct a deviated septum (to help his breathing in yoga – what a stupid idea). He had infections which were not cured by antibiotics. He was in miserable shape.
Further, he had memories of a troubled childhood. His father had been hunted by the McCarthy Un-American Activities Committee for being a Communist. Apparently, he had been beaten by his father even as a teenager. That night, for the first time, I saw Terry cry. He was in pain. His whole life was in total darkness except for a little light at the end of the tunnel – UG. I felt sorry for Terry. Soon after, he died in pretty miserable circumstances. This happened in September 1990, a few months before Valentine died in India.
UG had dropped by in Seaside on his way to Mill Valley from Los Angeles, I think. He might have spent a day here. That afternoon, UG and others went to Costco and from there they left. As he was getting into the car, UG looked pretty strange. He must have already had a premonition of Terry's death. When UG arrived in Mill Valley there was no sign of Terry. The next morning, the hospital called for Terry about his missed appointment. Then UG sent Julie Thayer and someone else to look for him. Terry was found dead in Dr. Paul Lynn's house where he had been housesitting while the Lynn's were away.
The body was soon brought to the mortuary next door to the Crow's Nest, the last place Terry ever wanted to enter. UG never bothered to look at the dead body or go to the funeral. But when Terry's parents arrived for the burial, UG offered to buy Terry's sofa and other furniture from the parents to help them pay for the funeral, the same furniture which he had helped Terry buy in the first place. Some or all of the stuff he later gave away to Krim and whomever, because that was the end of the Crow's Nest and of Mill Valley for UG. The landlady was willing to rent it to UG but he wasn't interested.
On one visit, Scottie from Ojai came with a friend of his, Ted, who was an editor of some sort. We all three went to the town center cafe for coffee on a Sunday morning. Ted started pouring out his gripes about UG, how UG said the same thing over and over again and how boring he was. I tried to defend UG a bit saying you don't go to UG if you are looking to be entertained. I don't think I ever saw Ted again. But, of course, I saw Scottie many times, including once in his house in Ojai, California with UG.
In some ways, I was responsible for Julie meeting UG. It happen a year or two before. I used to place some UG books for sale in the Pilgrim's Way bookstore in Carmel and leave a card with my phone number and a note in each of the books saying if the reader was interested in meeting UG they should contact me. Julie was visiting Carmel. Her friend Tom Head, an owner of K-Mart, lived in Carmel Valley. Julie was then a disciple of Andrew Cohen, along with some other women, one of whom, Luna Tarlo, was Andrew's mother. Julie had seen The Mystique of Enlightenment once on Andrew's shelf and had looked into it. In Carmel she bought a copy and called me.
She and Tom came over to my house and talked about UG, expressing an interest in meeting him. I believe Julie was involved in some Zen group doing community service or whatnot. She and Luna, her friend, met UG at my house. Then they and their other lady friends all went to see him again in Mill Valley two days later, as they were moving into a house not far from the Crow's Nest. UG in his usual forceful fashion told them, “Obviously the book has not done its job, or you wouldn't be here.” Immediately after that meeting with UG, the all left Andrew's community.
Later on, Julie came to see me with the other three women (one of them was Polish, called Elisabeth, another was Luna). I made buttermilk pancakes for them.
One evening when I was at the Crow's Nest, there was a row between UG and Julie. It had something to do with the videos Julie was shooting. UG was asking her to catalog and edit them, and Julie was resisting the idea saying that she had neither the equipment nor the skills to do it. I tried to clarify to her exactly what UG was saying, and UG agreed with my interpretation. She could have just done that much and no more and just let things take their own course. But Julie could be stubborn too.
I think at that time Julie was staying at UG's place for a month or so sleeping in the bedroom. UG himself was sleeping in a little room in the attic which he had asked Scottie to build for him so that Julie could have the bedroom.
Another time, Julie came over to Seaside to see me for a couple of days. As it happened, she had had another row with UG. I also noticed the disciplining type of schoolteacher-pupil relationship developing between them, UG correcting her every move.
Then UG asked her, “Go see Moorty, spend a couple of days with him and talk things over.” She and I went to Point alibis for a walk. It was useless to talk to her or point things out to her, she would never quit her attachments, attitudes and beliefs. It was by then obvious to me that she was simply in love with UG. After all these years, she still is. I believe she is still grieving the loss of UG, like several others I know.
Those were just the beginnings of the strong connection between UG and me. He visited us here in Seaside at least once almost every year since the first few meetings, and I in turn, on his invitation, visited him many times on various occasions and in many places including Corte Madera, San Rafael, Los Angeles, Hemet and Palm Springs in California, and Lake Havasu in Arizona. I also spent times with him in Bangalore, Madras, Yercaud and Mysore in India on various occasions; on one visit in 1990, my wife and children accompanied me for a week with him in Bangalore. I (sometimes with my family) spent, again on his invitation, several summers with him in Gstaad, Switzerland.
On all these trips, I shared memorable conversations, car rides and meals with UG including delectable ones cooked by him. I made numerous acquaintances around UG's gatherings and some close friendships as well, although I had lost some close friends too because of my friendship with UG. It's hard for me to recall every detail now.
JSRL Narayana Moorty, Being Yourself, 2014
