The man who wasn't there
By Robert Carr
It is difficult to describe U.G. Krishnamurti (affectionately called UG). He was many things to many people. To me, however, he was a Free Man.
His door was always open to anyone who came to see him. He travelled the world over, never staying too long in any one place. He had no home or permanent address. He said, “I am not a god-man or religious teacher, I have no teaching.” Yet, wherever he went, people flocked around him to listen to his response to the questions thrown at him.
He said, “You come here and throw all these things at me. I am not actually giving you any answers. I am only trying to focus or spotlight on the whole thing and say, ‘This is not the way you look at these things; but look at them this (other) way.’ Then you will be able to find out the solutions for yourself without anyone's help. That is all. My interest is to point out to you that you can walk, and, please, throw away all those crutches. If you are really handicapped, I wouldn't advise you to do any such thing. But you are made to feel by other people that you are handicapped so that they could sell you those crutches. Throw them away and you can walk.”
I first met UG in 1966 in Switzerland. I was attending the annual talks given by J. Krishnamurti in Saanen. After one of the talks I went for a walk and met UG while walking along side a small mountain river.
That summer I spent many hours with UG and found him to be a very interesting man. After leaving Saanen I lost contact with him, but heard from a friend, Douglas, that something had happened to him in 1967 in Saanen. Douglas was there when it happened to him. He said that UG came into some state, a state of awaking; it was different from what other people have described.
At the time I let it go without thinking much about what my friend said about UG's strange transformation. My only thoughts about him were that he was very nice to me and my friends. I felt he was very close to understanding the whole game of living, far beyond the average so-called seeker.
Some twelve years later I went to Bangalore, India. The year was 1979; I went with a friend, Paul Arms, who knew nothing of UG except what I had told him. Actually he knew very little as I myself knew little about him, except what my friend, Douglas had told me.
I had come to see UG and talk about some questions I had about an experience I went through while listening to J. Krishnamurti earlier that year. The experience was troubling me, and I knew UG had had a number of experiences when he knew JK in India. Both men had grown up in the atmosphere of the Theosophical Society, and both had broken away from that background.
The room was small and there were only a few people. As we entered UG got up from the floor to greet us. Yes, this is the same man, a little older but still looking very young and handsome. We greeted each other and he asked why I had come there. He told me he could not help me, and with a “Nice to meet you” he wished me goodbye.
I sensed this was the usual line he gave, so I dismissed it. He motioned us to sit, so we all sat down. I was somewhat taken back by how simple he seemed. Looking into his eyes, I realized that it was like nothing I had ever seen. Yes, there was something very different about him; he was not the same man I had known in Switzerland. Again my mind raced with all sorts of quick explanations. Had UG become enlightened? Was this really a real realized man?
All my questions about my own experience were dashed into little pieces as unimportant. “If it's real it will live and if not it will die,” he said. “Find out” he told me. Of course that was the typical Indian answer, I had heard it before.
What was he talking? I felt it was something that came from the very depths of some other dimension that seemed to be ancient. Never had I felt such authority without ownership from the man sitting there on the floor in that small room. He spoke in simple terms, nothing mystical or spiritual. Just clear words that made a deep impact on my being.
I had spent some time with JK in India in 1967. Every day, about twelve of us would meet in a small room for an hour or so. For me that was a dream come true. I wanted to talk with him and spend some time trying to understand if there was any way to free oneself from the rat race of human thought and the misery it creates.
Of course nothing happened; I remained the same guy, stuck in the mud unable to do anything at all. The problem now is more evident and that made the pain much deeper. Was that the JK effect and message to mankind? Life is a mess; man has created the problems we all share. It is our common state, misery, of one kind or another...
What happened to the UG I had first met in Saanen? Did he die, leaving only a shell of a personality? Did some unique biological mutation take place in this man? Now he was the living proof of this apparent change in him. He seemed to be at peace with himself. No conflict. Thoughts came and went, but he was not connecting them into some story, he told himself.
For me the story goes on and on. We are all just memories and the river keeps moving on and on. We have no choice but try to swim or we sink.
Yet again who and what was operating in this man UG? He seemed to be very ordinary just like everyone else. He said, “I am no different than you; never do I tell myself I am different.”
Again and again I see him as the greatest friend one could have, a love that has no name, but then that is what everyone says about their mentor, guide. Have I made him into a guru? Have I created a new myth? I think not. I have known a number of spiritual con men, nice people trying to carve out a place of their own, to establish a circle of followers. They want to be the guru, the center of attention and of course take your money if you are willing to part with it. They are not bad people but they are pretending to be something they are not.
As for UG, he was just UG, not trying to be something other than what he was, just a man.We are all trying to be something else. Wanting to be spiritual, to be in some state other than what we are and that seems to create more problems. And this goes on and on.
There were times I thought, that maybe UG was just a clever man and was playing a game. He knew all the questions and how to throw them back at one. But then he used to hit one with some question or statement that turned one completely around. The power that came just blew one away. One was devastated and in awe of the intelligence that poured out of him. No, it was not just that he was clever, but there was something else that was going on. When one was with him, a power and intelligence came into being which destroyed everything in its path.
At one moment one could feel a love and a sense of concern for one's well being that one has never felt from another human being in this world. So close but yet far away, it was something that could not be captured or understood, nothing was left to hang on to, only a feeling of falling into a black hole with no bottom.
Are there two UG's, one that is human and just like us, and the other something that is so primordial and ancient that it has no form and can come in an instant and then be gone? Some say he is a mystic, others say he is a philosopher who preaches a doctrine of nothing, except to forget it.
The small room was full of friends who had come to see this man, who was in his deathbed. He was lying on down on a large couch and looking up and said, “Hi Bob, thank you for coming.” I was taken back at seeing him so frail and thin. He was wearing white lounging pajamas. He sat up and we held each other's hands for a few minutes. I told him I was happy to see him. What could I say, what do you say to man like UG? The last time I saw him, was in Bangalore about a year ago. He was thin then, but now he looked like the fasting Buddha carving one sees in different books on Buddhism. It was difficult for him to sit very long, so he lay back again on the sofa.
UG was dying and the final curtain was coming down on this strange man and his life. For some forty years he had spent all his time seeing people day in and day out. Most of the people there, were hoping that he would recover as he had done in the past. It had not hit them that UG was gone, only the body remained.
He said it would run its course and then return to the elements in nature. Nothing was lost. There was only a shifting of energy and life changes into something else. At times there were periods of silence in the room. No conversations, all eyes were upon him. Now and then he would awake from a sleep to say a few words. The fire was still burning and he seemed even more powerful than ever.
I arrived on the 10th of March and planned to stay till the 15th. Five days in this strange scene (some of his friends had been there for over a month). UG had fallen again and the body was slow to heal the damage. He was being taken care of by so many good friends who would do anything for him if he asked. The days passed with UG saying it was time for him to go. In a strange way he was interested in his breath and seemed to be watching over the process of the body slowing down more each day. He stopped taking any food and only sipped spoonfuls of water. At this rate he could not last much longer.
I was out of the room when UG asked his friends to leave. For myself, I knew the end was coming and felt no need to say anything to him at all. UG would not want any special phrase or thanks from anyone. Knowing him was truly a boon.
How lucky we were to know him, there was no other like him in the world, a rare gem that offered the light to all. I was neither sad nor indifferent; my life had changed for ever by knowing him. What could I say; there were no words that could convey one's feelings or thoughts about him.
UG was left alone with only three friends to help pack him off and take care of the final arrangements. Some days passed and UG sank deeper into the last phase of his life, no fear, no thought about his end, he knew it was time to go. No rituals, ceremonies and words. “You forget me if you can, erase me from your memory and get on with your life... Remember I am just a man nothing more,” he said.
After an early flight from Nice I arrived in Milan and waited for my Mumbai flight. Now I am back in India, my second home. For forty odd years, I had known this man, spent countless hours all over the world with him.
Once we were together in a broken down hotel in Santa Monica, California. The room was small and the gas heater was turned up to full blast. He was shouting at one of his best friends. The tension was high as he was blasting everyone in the room and no one could escape the heat of the fire that was coming out of him.
One is burning up both outside and inside and the flames are burning, burning. One cannot take it and the only thought one has is to run as far away as one can to some safe spot, far away from him, yet one cannot move. There is nothing one can do. One knows there is no need to do anything.
All I can do is sing my song, and go my way.
The End of All Beginnings
